To My David.

When I first met you, I didn't know how much you would change my life. I looked at you through child's eyes. Innocent and naive. I gazed endlessly at your tiny perfect features and breathed you in deeply. That sweet clean scent of newness. Unadulterated, moist and brimming with the feeling that anything was possible. I promised I would take care of you, that I would love you and protect you. You didn't understand my words but you grasped my finger with your tiny hand, and I knew you believed my tender touch. Instantly and without hesitation, you were my everything.

I didn't deserve you. You were too good and too happy and too forgiving of a girl who was grappling with motherhood for the first time. When I was frustrated, you would climb into my lap, nuzzle into me, reach up and stroke my hair and your warmness made me feel safe. How was that possible? You, a child, toddling around and learning about the world, making me feel safe? But you did.

You gave me so much more than I could ever give you. You gave me laughter. That giggling laughter of yours was so infectious. And honest. It was a laugh that completely embodied happiness. The kind that when I heard it, it made me smile from deep within. I close my eyes and I concentrate and I can hear it. It's right there, and I see your face with those gleaming eyes and bright smile. I haven't forgotten.

You gave me pride. Such an old soul in such a young boy doing the things you knew were right. How did you do that? I still think of you in wonderment and am amazed at you. Did I tell you how proud of you I was? There are so many things I wish I could tell you now.

I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you. I want to tell you that I have not been happy since the day you left me. That I blamed myself. That I still blame myself for all of it. I'm sorry that it was you and not me. If it had been me, your Dad would be happy. Life would be good. Oh, there would have been a few somber years. But not like this. Not an unending barrage of sadness, of pain. Not the sadness that I still see in his eyes even when he smiles. Do you know how much he loves you, David?